Blind Faith
by XxQuietSingerXx
Summary: "If you had a chance to change your faith, would you?" - Disney Pixar movie "Brave" ; Can Kendall overcome his fears and love, or will he forever regret his one chance? Kendall/James
1. Chapter 1

**HERE IS MY WAY OF SAYING, I AM TERRIBLY SORRY FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE AND BEING COMPLETELY MIA FOR OVER 2 MONTHS. IM SO SORRY! IVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A LOT, AND IM STILL GOING THROUGH THINGS, BUT ITS GETTING BETTER.. HERE IS A NEW KAMES STORY THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FOR OVER 3 MONTHS, AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY!**

I honestly couldn't help but stare. He was beautiful. His brown hair swept perfectly over his forehead, his hazel eyes glowed every time his pearly white teeth flashed his signature smile. I signed, knowing that a guy like him will never go for someone like me. I mean, seriously, who would ever want to date me? With my tall, awkwardly shaped body, blonde shaggy hair and pale green eyes. But when I looked at him from afar, it didn't matter whether he would like me, just the fact that he exist makes my heart flutter. I even go as far as daydream about him…

"Kendall!" I was woken up from my daydream and was looking at my best friend Carlos. I smiled shyly, not bothering to re-enter my daydream. "You ok buddy?" I nodded slowly.

"Yeah, just thinking, that's all."

"Well, you don't have time to think any longer, the bell is going to ring in a minute! And Mrs. Longobard isn't going to be so happy if we are late _again_." I smiled back at my friend. Then got all my stuff and followed him to English class.

So, you must be wondering why I was just memorized by the most beautiful guy in West Gate High. Well, that's easy, I'm gay. I've had a crush on James since the 8th grade, when I found out about my sexuality. I haven't even been able to tell my best friend, thinking that it might ruin our friendship of 13 years. So I keep this secret to myself, and my little sister, Katie. She is the only other person that knows, not even my mom knows. My dad will never know, sadly, because he died when I was 10. I do pray to him, telling him my problems, so maybe that counts as him knowing.

And I do know for a fact that James will never like me for two reasons. One, he is completely and utterly straight. Nothing will ever change his mind about girls. And two, he has never spoken more than 2 words to me. Yeah, if I "accidently" bump into him in the hallway, he says "sorry" and I would excuse it, but other than that, nothing! In the beginning, I became very depressed; no one could help me because they didn't know why. Katie, who was 8 at the time, wasn't stupid. She found out what was going on and I was forced to tell her the clear version.

But I never went as far was harming myself. At the time, I didn't have the strength to. But the urge was there, the feeling of a sharp stimulus to mask the burning feeling in my heart. I have attempted many times, but I would chicken out before the blade touched my wrist.

Now, I am somewhat happy and healthy. I don't have that strong of an urge of harming myself anymore all thanks to Carlos. He has been by my side since we were 5. We started kindergarten together, and since then, the rambunctious teen and I have been friends.

We entered Mrs. Longobard's class, hoping the bell didn't ring while I was in my own little world. Luckily, it didn't, and we just went to our seats. After ten minutes of the morning routine, I felt a person standing by the door. I didn't look up, knowing that I was supposed to be writing my short story. But when I heard his voice, I couldn't help but shoot my head towards him.

James was standing next to the teacher's desk, waiting for her to return a slip he must have walked in with. Mrs. Longobard smiled at the paper and handed it back to James. Then she stood up as if she was going to make an announcement, which she did.

"Class, please welcome a new addition to the class, James Diamond. He is going to be in our class for the rest of the semester. So, James, how about you sit next to…" Mrs. Longobard thought about where to put him while I prayed to God that she would make him sit next to me. "Sit next to Kendall Knight. Kendall, please raise your hand." I was still in shock, but I managed to raise my hand slightly so he knew where I was. He smiled at the teacher than made his way towards me. I tried to hide the stubborn smile that wanted to spread across my face.

"Hi, I'm James." He said to me as he sat down. His smile caused me to forget how to breathe for a moment.

"I'm Kendall." I returned with a smile similar to his, but not as perfect. The period went on uneventfully, I tried to glance next to me at him, but only succeed once out of the 148 times, but who was counting? When the bell rang, I walked over to Carlos, who smiled at me. _Was he suspicious?_ I asked myself.

"Hey," he said, and I breathed a sigh of relief. _Good, it was nothing._

After 3 more uneventful periods, it was time for lunch. Me and Carlos sat by ourselves in the corner of the cafeteria. Everyone else surrounded us, laughing and talking about parties they were going to, and then it was us two. But we don't mind, me and Carlos never really thought of becoming popular or anything. We liked ourselves the way we are, well, metaphorically speaking.

"So, dude, sorry for not helping you out before in English class."

"What do you mean?" I asked honestly, taking a big bite out of my sandwich.

"You know, with the whole 'James sitting next to you' thing. I should have been a good friend and let that bastard sit next to me." The Latino huffed as he took a sip from his soda.

"Dude, it's ok," I swore to him, trying to hide the blush that was forming. "You couldn't have done anything."

"Yeah, but a true friend would help another friend out. And if that means to have the jerk sit next to me, I would do it… for you." he said the last part with a smile, his brown eyes literally shinning as the light from the window next to us shone in.

"It's alright, but why do you hate James so much again?"

"Like you don't know." I smiled shyly. I did know, I just liked to hear the stupid words escape his lips, not mine. "He stole me graham crackers, and they were the Scooby Doo ones!"

"Dude that was in the 2nd grade, I don't think it's enough for you to hate the guy."

"Well, it's not only that, he also is a player. He plays every single girl's heart from A-Z." Carlos said matter-of-factly. I just shook my head, I didn't believe it, not that I don't trust Carlos, it's just that he has the tendency to stretch the truth.

"Carlos, he's a nice guy, there's no reason to get yourself worked up all for me. I do appreciate it, though." I said to him, giving him a warm smile. After that, we continued our lunch, talking about certain things here and there. But mostly, it was quiet. After lunch, we both had a free, so we decided to head to my house for a bit before math.

"Hey mom! It's me and Carlos!" I called into the seemingly empty house. A moment later, my mom came out of a room, her smile extending from ear to ear.

"Hello honey, hi Carlos." She greeted us.

"Hi Mama Knight." Carlos returned. After that, he followed me up into my room, where we sat and relaxed for 45 minutes. I started thinking about James again; I found that it's been more noticeable lately. I feel like Carlos, my mom, and everyone else in the world are suspicious. It's not that I don't love them or anything, it's just that they are very judgmental people. My mom is a churchaholic, and Carlos "hates" his guts. It's almost like a lose-lose situation. I signed, knowing that I will have this secret on my shoulders for as long as I lived.

When we got back into school, I saw James from afar, and like every person would do, I stared. Carlos had to snap my out of it, the 2nd time today. I need to watch out, he's probably starting to worry.

"Dude, you ok? You've been a little off today." It's almost like he reads my mind.

"Yeah, I'm fine, like you said, just a bit tired. Mind if I catch you later? I have to go see…" before I could finish, he smiled and nodded.

"Ok dude, just meet me by my locker at the end of the day." I nodded in agreement as I watched him walk away. I signed again, _Why can't I just tell him? He's my best friend, he'd understand, right?_

Suddenly, when I turned around to leave, I felt someone standing next to me. I turned to see who it was and my breathing was cut short.

"Hey, sorry for scaring you, I was just wondering if you'd help me with something." James smiled shyly, his hazel eyes shining.

"Um—um—Sure, what—what's it you need help in." I stuttered like a fool, causing the blush on my cheeks to deepen. He laughed a bit, probably thinking it was cute. _OMG, he thinks you're cute! _But then I realized, _He will never think that… are you crazy?_

"Um, well there's an English project due next month, and I was wondering if you would help me out. I'm not that good at English, which is why I got kicked out of honors…" he started rambling on and on and all I could think about was his lips. Call me crazy, but his lips are perfectly plump. They moved so swiftly, so pink and plump. This sort of scared me a bit though.

"Um, sure… I would—" I stopped myself. _Love to…_

"Thanks, I really appreciate it." he said with another smile, and then he walked away. I started shaking slightly. Not from him talking to me, which was amazing by the way, but because I was fantasizing about his lips. I have never thought of his lips before, or wanting to kiss them for that matter. This scared me to no extent. Was I getting weaker? Or was my sexuality getting stronger?

At the end of the day, I realized that I completely forgot about Carlos. We usually do projects together, but this was like a once in a lifetime opportunity, I had to go for it. Maybe he will understand, without me giving away anything.

"Hey bud, I have something to tell you." I said as I approached his locker. He got up from packing and had a shy smile on his face.

"Same here, but you go first." He said.

"Ok, well, James asked me to be his partner for the English project and I said yes…" I said more as a question. His eyebrows furrowed a bit, but he then just shrugged.

"It's ok buddy, and I got a partner too. Stephanie." He said with a triumphant smile.

"Stephanie? Don't you have the biggest crush on her ever?" I asked.

"Yep, and we are going to have a bunch of "fun" doing this project." He said with a smile, which made me want to slap him playfully.

"Dude!"

"What, a guy can only dream. But she's seriously my partner, she asked me after you left."

"Congrats dude," was all I could say to him. I wish I can show him my excitement that James is my partner, but I know I will never be able to do that.

"Ok, well, I don't think I can come over though," Carlos said with a frown. "My mom is being an idiot and telling me to do my homework. But I'll text you later!" he said with a smile. I smiled back at the little Latino.

"Ok, talk to you later." I said as he left. After a few moments, I was home and I went upstairs to do my homework. But before I did, I went on our school email to see if there were any updates. I saw I had one new message, so I opened it… I wasn't prepared for what I read next…

_From: _

_To: _

_Hey, I just want to know if I could have your number… you know, so we can talk about the project. Thanks =P_

_~~James_

I couldn't contain myself, I did was every mature 18 year old would do, I screamed into a pillow. Katie heard me and she walked into my room while this was going on.

"What is going on big brother?" she asked. All I could do was point to the computer screen. She gave me a questioning look, but went to look at the screen. Two seconds later, she sat down next to me with a huge grin on her face.

"Looks like someone is moving up."

"It's nothing, just project stuff."

"Kendall, if it was just project stuff, you wouldn't be fangirling about him right now." Her devious smile caused me to smile too.

"It's just that… he makes me smile, you wouldn't understand, you're too young."

"Fine, go crazy, just don't let mom see." She said with a stern look. I gave her my best "a-duhh" look and hit her playfully.

"Yeah, like I'm going to go run and tell mom that I'm gay and in love with James. Right… haha, you make me laugh sometimes little sister." I said, patting Katie's head. She gave me a frown as she quickly sorted her long brown hair back into place.

"Never pet me again." He voice evilly escaping her mouth.

"Fine, now leave so I can be happy again without you emoing the vibe!"

"Fine." And with that she left, and I started smiling and screaming into my pillow again. After ten minutes of freaking out over his email, I decided to answer him back. But what should I say? I don't want it to sound to flirty, otherwise he might think I like him (well, you get what I mean). But I don't want to sound like a jerk either. And after another few minutes thinking about this, I decided to write this…

_From: _

_To: _

_Hi, and sure, it's 555-1098. Just text me saying it's you and I'll save your number too. =]_

—_Kendall_

I smiled at the message before sending it, and once I hit enter, the message was sent through the World Wide Web, no way for me to get it now. But I didn't regret what I wrote; I simply gave him my number… right? Was that what I did? Maybe I wrote something else and didn't realize it because I was still star struck from his email! Well, there was still no going back, that was it. I signed, knowing that if anything happened, it would be the email's fault.

I left my room with a small smile, Katie knowing exactly why.

"You answered him," she asked with her eyes, I nodded slowly, causing her to smile along with me. My mom was cooking in the kitchen, probably another recipe she found out from one of her friends from her book club.

"Hi sweetie, how was school?" my mom asked, turning around to look me in the eye.

"Good, great even."

"Yeah, more like wonderful," Katie said under her breath. I gave her a look, warning her to say no more. She shot her hands up defensively and walked over to the living room. My mom gave me and Katie a questioning look, but dismissed it, knowing that she will never understand.

"So, you doing anything with Carlos tonight?"

"Um, not that I know of, he said he was busy, but I don't know."

"Well, I was thinking of inviting a woman I met from book club and her son over. He's your age and I heard he goes to your school. So I was wondering if you and Carlos would like to hang out with him."

"Um, sure, what's his name? Maybe I know him." My hands found their way into my pockets, thinking about who this might be.

"Not sure, sorry, I know the woman mentioned it, but I'm terrible at names. The woman's, I know, name is Jade. She's a very sweet lady, new to the neighborhood. They moved from the other side of New Jersey. They still need some help getting around."

"Mom, I'll call Carlos, he'd be glad to meet someone new." I said to my mom, placing my hands on her shoulders to calm her down. She gave me a warm smile.

"Thank you Kendall. You're such a sweet boy."

"Thanks mom. I'm gunna call Carlos, see if he wants to come over and say hi."

"Ok," and with that, my mom continued getting dinner ready. After about ten minutes, I called Carlos and told him to come over. He agreed, and said he would be there soon. My mom was still at the stove when the bell rang. Even though I was the furthest away, I had to get the door.

"I'm coming." I called to the unknown person standing by our door. I opened it casually, only to stop my breathing for I don't know how long.

"Hi, I'm Jade Diamond, and this is James. Is Julie around?" Jade asked, but I was too shocked to move.

"Um, she's inside…in the kitchen. Come in, she should be done in a bit." I led them into my home. _I'm dreaming, I'm going to wake up and it would all be a dream. _But this wasn't a dream, this was really happening. James Diamond was sitting in my living room. Katie came walking in soon after with a strange look on her face. She turned to me with confusion in her eyes. All I could do is mouth, 'it's him'.

Her eyes widened, probably realizing how beautiful he is. She smiled at him and his mom, then took me by the arm and dragged me out of the room.

"You never told me how hot he was!" was what she said to me when we were completely out of ears-way.

"Ok, and the many times I say 'Oh my God, James is so sexy, I'm in love with him' just bypassed you?"

"Yeah, pretty much!"

"Wow, it's great to have a sister that _really_ cares." I said, sarcasm dripping for my words.

"Welcome, now, go out there and charm him Kendall!" and before I knew it, I was being pushed out into the living room again. I stumbled, causing James and Jade to look at me funny. _Great, I'm going to "thank" Katie later._

"So, James," his mother finally said after the moment of awkward silence, "You fond of Kendall?" I choked on the saliva that was trailing down the back of my throat.

"Um, fond?" he asked, his voice sounding angelic.

"Yeah, are you guys' friends?"

"Yeah," he smiled, and I found myself blushing. But why was he saying that? I barely talked to him. "We're actually doing a project together. Speaking of which, you mind if we start on that?" he asked me.

"Um, sure, if you want."

"I do, it's better than sitting here and listening to all their woman talk." He laughed, causing me to smile.

"Ok, well, let's go up into my room." I pointed to my room upstairs. You would think I was cool and collective right now right? Well, to be honest, I'm freaking out! James Diamond is in my house. He's going into my room. And he smiled at me! I was beside myself!

"So, what is it we have to do again?" he asked me once we got to my room.

"Um, we have to make a story. It can be fictional or not."

"Ok, fiction stories are more fun." He laughed.

"Yeah, I think so too." I shrugged, my hands finding their way back into my back pockets. "Do you have any ideas on what we should write about?"

"Not really, I'm not so good with that kind of stuff. How about you?"

"Well…" I trailed, not sure if I wanted to say that I did, but he still picked up on it.

"You have something, don't you? Let me read it." he urged.

"No, it's fine, it's not finished and it not good at all."

"Fine, then let me show you _my_ writing skills." A sly smile reached from ear to ear on his face. He picked up a pen and paper and started writing. He finished in 2 seconds, handing the paper over to me. I looked at it, trying to not have a laugh escape my lips. It read…

_I am a cat. I like to eat pie. I love pretty clouds. My best friend is a dog. We fight a lot. But I love him._

"You're kidding me with this, right?" I asked, laughed escaping ever few words.

"Nope, that's how I write." He seemed like he accomplished something, as if he knew what I was going to do next. I reached for my book where I write my story in, majority of them are poems, but I did have one story. I opened to it, and handed him the book.

"Wow, this is long! Mind if I read it?" I gave him a confused look, but nodded my head in allowing him to. "Thanks." He started to read the short story that I had in the worn out book. He looked amazed by it, like it was a shiney new toy a young child would receive on Christmas.

James stopped reading, his eyes staring blankly at the book. I smiled at him, hoping he was ok.

"You ok? I know it's not good bu—" he stopped me before I could speak.

"No, it was amazing. I'm just, overwhelmed by the greatness." He said the last part with a smile, hoping it would camouflage the pain I saw in his eyes. It didn't. "Mind if we just use this story?"

"I wouldn't, but that wouldn't be a good idea." He gave me a confused look, so I continued. "I already showed Mrs. Longobard this story last week. If we use it, she will know I did all the work and not give you any credit."

"I don't mind that, it wouldn't be a lie." He shrugged, but I didn't accept it.

"No, I wouldn't want you to lose points. We can think of another story to write. And we're doing it together, so it wont be hard."

"Thanks, I really appreciate that." He smiled, and I smiled back. After a few more minutes, I heard my phone vibrate on my desk. I went over to it and picked it up, revealing a text from Carlos. _Shit, I forgot… he hates him._ I opened the message, and a sigh of relief followed soon after.

_From: Caaaarlos =P_

_Hey dudee, sorry I cant make it, mi madre is being annoying and not letting me go ! she said I need to do hw! WTF? Lol , see you tomorrow though!_

James gave me a confused look, so I smiled lightly. "It was my… cousin?" it came out more of a question, giving James the opportunity to give me a confused look once more. But he didn't worry that much.

"Ok, well, I think you're mom has dinner ready. Should we go down now?" he asked me, pointing to my door.

"Yeah, you go ahead, I'll be down in a bit." He smiled and walked out of my room. Once he closed the door, and I heard his footsteps go all the way downstairs, I ran onto my bed and screamed so loud, it was inaudible to humans. I felt an overwhelming feeling spread over my body, as if I was going to pass out. I began to breathe heavily, but knowing that I should be downstairs soon, I did my best to calm down and made my way to the stairs.

When I got downstairs, I saw my mom, Katie, Jade, and James all sitting at the table. They all gave me confused looks on why I was late. "Carlos called me asking something." Was my explanation. They all nodded with a few "Ohh's" scattered throughout the group. I sat down, as if nothing had happened just moments ago; as if I didn't just scream into my pillow because the guy I like was sitting in my room. No, nothing was remembered.

We all sat at the table, small conversation going around. But something was sticking in my head, almost like an annoyed bug. Why is he here? I know my mom said that he just moved, but I've known him since the 7th grade. Why choose now to have a meet and greet?

I didn't bother thinking about it anymore, I'm just happy he is here. And I shouldn't think too much because that causes trouble for me.

"So, Kendall," Jade asked me, causing me to snap out of my daydreams and thoughts. "Tell me about yourself. How you liking school?" she seemed like a sweet lady.

"He's nice," I heard James speak, causing me to look down and blush slightly, "We're doing a project together and he's an amazing writer. Tell them about your story!" I appreciated his kindness, but my mouth still opened widely. My mom doesn't know about my stories, let alone I could write.

"Oh my goodness, Kendall, I didn't know you could write!" once my mom said that, I could tell James felt sorry for saying it. I accepted his apology, but the feeling in the back of my throat still was there.

"Well, I'm not that good, James's just being nice, that's all." And with saying that, my blushing increased, making me red as a tomato.

"Aw, well, I would love to read them! Maybe later." My mom said with a smile, which then lead to me smiling back. The rest of the dinner was in silence, but Katie would glance over at me with a smile, which translated to "Dude, you're loving this right now". I fixed my eyes on her, forcing her to look away, but she never did. So it looked like we were having a staring contest, which made James amused.

"Oh, cool, a staring contest! I verse winner!" he cried, and I saw Katie making a plan, but before I could blink, her eyes shut tightly.

"Ugh! I always lose!" she faked being upset. "Ok, James, try to verse the master!"

"Ok, but I must warn you, I'm the champ!" he smiled at me kindly.

"Oh, let's see about that." I gave him my competitive look, showing him no mercy, but I couldn't help it! He's too cute!

"Ready, set, GO!" he yelled, then we were staring into each others eyes. I saw Katie out of my peripherals smiling deviously. I still couldn't believe it, this day has been one of the best ever! And I couldn't help but think that later, I have to thank Katie.

"Given up yet?" James asked, his eyes still on mine.

"Yeah, you wish." I looked deep into his blue eyes, as if I was reading his soul, and what broke me the most was that he was so fixated on girls. He will never see me in that kind of way. But it also didn't matter, because I got a free pass to stare into his eyes. Only problem was, my eyes started to hurt…

"Yay! I win!" I heard James shout as my eyes were closed. I signed to myself, 'Oh well, at least I got to look at them…'

"Yep you did." I boredly said.

"Wait, you let me win!"

"What, no I didn't," I fought back, yeah I'm extremely competitive, but he won! Wait… why am I fighting him? I could do it again and get ANOTHER free pass!

_No! Don't, that's just wrong! You had your chance, enjoy it. Don't be greedy! _

"James, come on! My brother is the most competitive person I know! He wouldn't have just given up for nothing! He must have thought you were…"

"Katie!" I shouted softly, making her jump a bit, but no one else.

"Come on dude, did you let me win?" I thought about answering it, just a simple 'yes' and I could stare at him again! But my conscience told me otherwise, I couldn't do that, it would make it too obvious.

"No, I didn't! I'm not that great at staring contest. And plus the light was facing me." I fibbed a bit, so it wasn't so stern.

"Fine dude, but me, you staring contest, tomorrow. Be at the parking lot at school, or else." He's finger was pointed at me with a fake stern look, but once he finished talking, a smile emerged from his face. I laughed at him, seeing what he did.

"Does this mean you let me win?" he asked again, and as much as I loved him, I wanted to kill him.

"No! I didn't, stop!" I laughed, feeling my sides hurt from laughing so hard.

"Ok, I'm believing you." he said smiling.

"Thank you," I signed with relief. Dinner was coming to an end, which also meant he was leaving soon. I wasn't so happy about him leaving, but honestly, the dude was annoying! And thinking about how annoying he was made me only smile more. Don't ask me why, I have no clue!

That night, I went into my room and just sat on the bed, thinking. I wasn't sure what I was thinking about, but I knew it had something to do with James. Was I upset that he came over? Did I want him to stay longer? My mind kept playing tricks on me, like it wanted me to kill myself with all these unanswered questions.

Then I remembered something almost painful…

My family is very religious. We have been for so long, since forever. And I remember during Ash Wednesday, when the priest would rub the ashes on your forehead and say "Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel."

This would always get me thinking, like, is being gay a sin? Am I wrong for liking James? Worse, am I wrong for loving him? I shivered at the thought of God ever hating me. Because I haven't done anything wrong. Its almost like a school teacher being conficted for stealing, you wouldn't expect it.

I shivered, thinking horrible thoughts of hell. What if I were to be sent to hell? Would I be killed again? Would my soul, my love for James, diminish? I held my hands up to my face and cried, this isn't what I wanted, I never asked for this whatsoever.

This isn't me, I know it… I'm somewhere inside this body, but this lust for James, isn't me. I couldn't be this kind of person, not after knowing what kind of family I'm living with.

I took a deep breath and slowly removed my hands from my face when I heard that my door has been pushed open. I quickly wiped the tears that were streaming down my face and looked up to find Katie standing in my doorway, looking nervous.

"Big brother? Are you ok?"

"No baby sis, I'm not." I confessed. I couldn't lie to her, she was the only one I trust, sadly. She was the only person that knew everything, so if I lied to her now, what else would I be capable of lying to her about?

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" she made her way to my bed and sat down next to my laying body. I got up into a sitting position, crossing my legs Indian-style, next to her.

"It's James…"

"Kendall, you know that I love you and everything, but you can't cry over someone. Especially someone who, no offense, probably wont like you back."

"I know, and it's not that, but thanks for the reminder," I spat back sarcastically. Seeing the hurt look Katie gave me, I instantly apologized. "Sorry." She nodded her forgiveness and allowed me to explain.

"It's just that, I really do like him, but knowing what our background is, it's hard to admit it to myself."

"What do you mean? You know you're gay, why do you have to admit it again?"

"Being gay and being in love are two different things, Katie." I waited for her to realize what I meant. Once it clicked in her head, her mouth dropped open.

"You're in love with him?"

"I think I am, but I don't know. And if I was, I wouldn't know what to do! It's not like mom would allow it!" I stated firmly, feeling the tears well up in my eyes again. "You don't know how hard it is, to go through life and not being able to tell your own mother the things you are feeling. And I cant even go to dad…"

"It's ok Kendall, you will figure everything out. I know you, you're strong."

"Do you think dad would have been supportive?" I asked, ignoring her comment and just letting out my inner thoughts.

"I don't know Kendall, I really don't. But no one would hate you. Shocked? Yes, but not hate. I promise."

"Thanks Katie." I said with a small smile.

"Welcome," and with that, she got up and gave me a big hug. "Everything will be alright Kendall, I'll always be here."

"Thank you," I whispered and then I released her as she left the room.

**SO HOW DID YOU LIKE IT? I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY OTHER STORIES WILL BE ON HIATUS, AND SOME WILL BE DELETED… IM REALLY SORRY, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE INSPIRATION FOR THEM RIGHT NOW… I WANT TO FOCUS ON ONE STORY AT A TIME, THEN MOVE ONTO ANOTHER ONE. I SEEM TO HAVE A HABIT OF MAKING A LOT OF STORIES AT ONCE AND LOOSING THE INSPIRATION FOR MY OTHER ONES.. PLEASE REVIEW 3 I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE THEM, BUT I WOULD STILL LOVE THEM ANYWAY (:**


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, I woke up to a beautiful Saturday morning. But, inside, it was dark and muggy. I still don't understand why I don't have the will to ever open my window; it's just that it takes a lot of work…

Ignoring my laziness, I got up and opened my window wide, feeling the cool October air pierce my skin. I never knew why I enjoyed the cold so much, maybe its cause it gives me a shock. A stimulant that I need, so I don't go crazy.

Walking into the hallway, I heard my mother's voice fill the room next to me. Sneakily, I leaned on the wall next to her room and placed my ear on the door.

"Jim, I don't know what I should do… I know it's wrong and immoral but—… Jim! I'm being serious! This isn't right! You need to go to a preist right away!" my mom's voice sounded distraught and tired, almost like she has been stressing over this for some time. Wait… "wrong" "immoral" "not right"… why do all these things seem familiar to me?

"Hi Ken—" Katie tried to greet me, but I quickly shushed her and pointed to the closed door, trying to tell her that I was listening to what was going on. She understood and followed my lead in trying to hear the conversation.

"Jim, I don't care, this isn't right! You are sinning! Please, I'm only trying to help you…" after that, I gave up trying to listen, cause I knew what she was talking about. Apparently, Jim was… gay. And the fact that my mom was telling him he was sinning stabbed me right in the heart.

"Kendall… she doesn't mean it in a mean way, you know that."

"I don't know Katie. She's so set in the mentality that it's a sin. But maybe it is…"

"No it's not Kendall, it's not a sin to love. Don't be so down on yourself. Everything will be fine."

"I hope baby sister… I hope." I retreated back to my room where I sat on my bed with my head in my hands. Its times like this where I feel like giving up then and there. When I think that there's not a reason for living. But then I think of Carlos, Katie, my mom, James… I can't leave them, no matter how much they can be a pain, no matter how much they hurt me. I can't leave them. Especially Katie, shes all I have. She's the only one who knows everything about me, things I'm too afraid to even write down.

After what seemed live forever, I felt my phone vibrate next to me on the bed. I looked at the phone and saw it was a text from Carlos.

_Hey man, you doing anything now? I need to get out of this house :p! want to go to the park?_

I smiled at the text and replied a "yes" and told him that I will meet him at the park in 10 minutes. After sending it, I walked over to my dresser and pulled out an outfit: a plaid shirt and my skinny jeans, and to top it off, my gray beanie. Dang, I _really_ dress like a gay man… well, it wouldn't be _that_ wrong.

I told Katie where I was going and to tell mom I was going out. She agreed to tell her as I shut the door behind me. I enjoy walking, it helps me clear my mind and helps with all my problems. After a few minutes of walking, I finally reached the park. I saw Carlos sitting on a nearby bench, fidgeting with his fingers.

"Hey buddy!" Carlos greeted, surprisingly soft

"Hey, is everything ok? You seemed upset when you texted me…" I asked, concern from my voice filling the cool air around us.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just a bit antsy, you know?" I did. He has been having a few problems with his family. Nothing serious, from what he tells me, but who knows? Maybe he's lying… like I do to him every day.

"Ok, well, you know if you need anyone, I'm here."

"I know buddy, now lets go, I want to check out the amusement park down the street!" typical Carlos, he can never be serious for long.

"Ok, let's go." And then we started walking to the amusement park down the street. When we got there, I instantly recognized the voice of an angel. I froze in my spot, Carlos was giving me a weird look, but I couldn't move. I heard him, and he left me paralyzed. James was only a few meters away from me and Carlos, making it weird if he saw me standing here like a statue. When I looked at him, I remembered the conversation my mom had with Jim, how this is a sin. I hate sinning, I never mean for it. But it's always going to be a sin for loving James.

"Kendall, you ok man?" Carlos was facing me with his hand waving in front of my face. Suddenly, he was about to turn around to face what I was staring at. I couldn't have him see who I was looking at. I grabbed his hand, causing him to direct his attention back to me. Still focusing on James, I stuttered out a reply, trying to get Carlos to _not_ turn to face James.

"Um… Car—Car—los… Ca—can we go som—somewhe—ere else? I—I don't feel well." Damnit I sound like a stuttering fool. This is what James does to me, why James?

"Um, sure buddy, you ok?"

"No, I feel sick." I honestly replied, I did really feel sick. Love sick. I could kill James for doing this to me, for turning me into a love sick puppy.

"Come on buddy, let's get out of here. I just saw James, and I can't stand to see his face." Carlos spat, and for once, I was on the same page as him concerning James… just for different reasons.

"Ye—ah, let's g—go." I stuttered. We ended up going back to the park, just to sit on the swings and just take in the cool October breeze. That was when I got a sudden urge to discuss my predicament with Carlos. Not completely confess to my secret, but just get his opinion nonchalantly. "Um, Carlos. I sorta want to ask you something."

"Sure Kendall, what is it?" he asked, still looking ahead at the bust street in front of us.

"What would you do if you knew someone who wasn't like everyone else?" I asked slowly, trying to get the point across but too scared to fully say it.

"Well, that depends, what's wrong with this 'someone'?" he asked. I was afraid he might know this was about me, but lucky he'd never be able to guess what about myself I was confessing.

"It doesn't matter. Bottom line, is that he's different."

"Um, honestly, I don't know. I guess if it's reasonable, then it wouldn't affect my view on them personally. But if it was, lets say, something not normal, such as sexuality, I might be a bit iffy towards them." And that's all I needed to hear to get my insides to freeze up and feel my throat closing.

"Why would you say that?" I asked, trying to maintain a calming breath, but it wasn't helping.

"I don't know, it's immoral I guess. Like, wouldn't you get a bit creep out by a gay couple walking down the street? I know I would. It just doesn't seem right." I felt everything die inside of me. I couldn't believe it; my best friend doesn't support my views (even though he doesn't know what they are).

"Oh, well, I have to go. I'll text you later." And I didn't even give him a chance to reply, for I was sprinting down the block to my house, holding back stubborn tears that wanted to fall. I waited till I was safely in my house, alone, to let the tears slide down my cold cheeks. After a while, I noticed myself leaning against the front door, sliding down and finally landing on my butt. I pulled my knees up against my chest and sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more. Cause I just realized something, I was alone. I was utterly alone in this world, and no one could help me. Not even the ones I care most about. That's the scariest part about being in love with _him_. I was alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**HI THERE! SO IM BACK AND I AM GOING TO SAY, I WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHAPTER UP BY MONDAY! I KNOW, SO STRANGE I NEVER UPDATE THIS MUCH, BUT I WROTE ALOT AND I WANTED TO SPILT THIS IN TWO. JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS, I WILL BE FOCUSING ON THIS STORY FOR A WHILE CAUSE THIS STORY IS LIKE MY DIARY. AND NOW, IM HAVING TROUBLE... SO THIS IS MY ESCAPE. SO ITS ALMOST A WIN-WIN :D I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS GUISE! **

Katie POV

After getting back from a friends house, I walked up to my front door and started to turn the key in the lock and opened the door. But I realized there was something blocking the door. Using my strength, I pushed the door open to find that it wasn't a something. It was a _someone_.

I slid into the room and found my brother. He was fast asleep, laying on the floor, and what looked like tear stains on his cheeks. I sighed looking at him, he's so broken. Why can't anyone see? And better yet, _how_ can't they see? He hasn't been himself since the eighth grade. This just proves how stupid and inconsiderate people can be.

I lightly tapped his shoulder and tried to wake him up. He stirred just a bit, but opened his eyes to find my concerned face. He sighed, knowing exactly what happened.

"I cried myself to sleep again, didn't I?" he asked.

"Yeah, you did, but don't worry. No one saw you, just me. Mom isn't home." I reassured him.

"Good, I couldn't have her seeing me like this." He said, wiping the dry tears from his cheeks. I sighed, I wish he could lose the pain and go back to being the sweet, funny, caring guy he was. Before James. Before he started questioning who he was. Before everything. Even before dad passed away. I wish this every day. I wish for our old life, but I know, you can't wish for things you know will never happen.

"Come on big brother, let's get you to bed." He followed me to his room, where I opened the covers for him and watched him curl himself up in them. Tucking him in, I saw his bright green eyes were starting to water again.

"Thank you Katie. I love you so much." He said as I watched a tear roll down his cheek. I reached down and wiped it for him.

"Of course Kendall. You know you always have me." I reassured him, and then he closed his eyes. I bent down to kiss his sweaty forehead and brush the hair in his face away.

"Thank God, cause I don't know what I would do without you." He whispered, probably thinking I couldn't hear him, but I did.

Kendall POV

I woke up in my bed, the memories of what happened a few hours ago flooding my brain. How could I have been so blind? Carlos wouldn't have stayed if he found out I liked James. Heck, he wouldn't even _look_ at me again. I tried not to let the tears fall from my eyes, I was tired of crying. Instead, I walked to the kitchen and tried to find something to eat. Katie must have been out, cause I saw she wasn't around and my mom's car was still not in the driveway.

Hearing my phone ring in my pocket, I took it out and noticed I got a text from Carlos

_Hey dude, you ok? You seemed out of it before! Just making sure you're ok. Text me back when you get this._

I sighed, not bothering to answer him. I just couldn't face him. I decided to go for a walk for a bit. Usually I like walking cause it clears my mind. I especially like walking when I start to feel broken.

I walked for what seemed like hours. When I looked at my watch, however, it only read a 30-minute difference from when I left my house to now. I kept walking, trying to clear my head, but it was getting impossible. Why though? Is my life so complicated and ruined that walking now doesn't help?

I walked with my head down, not paying attention to the road and people passing me. I just focused on my thoughts. That is, when someone bumped into me and I stumbled to the floor. I rubbed my forehead, even though I didn't fall on my head. I heard a deep voice apologizing to me frantically.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry dude! You ok?" he asked. I looked up to see whom it was, cause the voice sounded so recognizable. The light was blinding me though, so I only saw a silhouette of the guy, but once he leaned closer to my body, I recognized the hazel eyes. _James_.

"I—I—I'm ok. Are you ok?" I asked, getting up from the floor.

"Kendall? Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a bit out of it. Is everything ok?" _No nothing's ok. And you're the reason why nothings ok._

"Yeah," I lied, "Everything's fine. Just a bit tired, that's all." I looked down at my feet, knowing that if I looked him in the eyes, I'd get lost in them.

"Oh, well I was just on my way to your house cause I wanted to know if you wanted to do the project. Is that ok?" he asked innocently. _Of course he's innocent. It's _my_ corrupt and sinful mind that's the problem, not _him_! _

"Um, sure." I said simply, then we both turned and made our way to my house.

Stepping into my house, I noticed that James was looking around cautiously. As if he wanted to see if anyone else was here. Trying to answer his internal question, I coughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of my neck.

"Um, no one is here right now. I think my mom went to the store or something. And Katie is just out." James smiled and nodded, as if he accepted that. I walked into my room and he followed closely behind. All I kept thinking was "_Oh my God! He's in my house… AGAIN!_" and I felt my heart beating at a thousand beats per second. Everything felt like a dream. It's amazing how just his presence can make me forget about all my troubles and just live.

"Ok, so what should we do for this project? I know we just looked at your story, but I think we should really do something together." James explained. "Cause I really need this grade to be good."

"Well, ok, but I don't think its that big of a deal. You already have perfect grades. Why are you so stressed?" I asked and I knew that the second I did, it was a mistake. James' face crunched up into an unattractive glare, staring me down forcefully. I gulped uncomfortably under his eyes, he looked so angry.

"You really don't understand." He said through his tight jaw. "My grades need to be perfect."

"Ok, ok!" I said, trying to calm him down. It worked slightly when his gaze softened. But he still looked angry. "So, what should we write about?"

"How about," James inquired as he plopped himself onto my bed as if we've known each other forever. "We write about a couple." My mouth dried up instantly.

"A—a—a couple?" what do yo—you mean by th—that?" I stuttered. He smiled softly, looking as if he didn't get super angry just seconds before.

"Well, how about a Romeo and Juliet kind of story? But made in the 21st century."

"Wouldn't that be outplayed just bit?" I asked honestly. James thought about this for a second, then his eyes flashed with an idea.

"Wait!" he cried out, afraid he might lose his idea if he were to wait any longer. "How about a love story about two men!" if I was drinking right now, I would have spit up everything and jumped out the window. I coughed on my own saliva and gasped for air. _He did _not_ just say that… no I'm dreaming._

"WHAT!?" I asked overdramatically after I had the ability to breathe.

"Yeah! No one will come up with an idea like that! And, it is considered forbidden in society! Come on, it'll be great!" James said, oblivious to what this idea aroused inside of me. I tried to think of every possible way out of writing this.

"But, don't you think it's a bit inappropriate to write about gay love?" I asked, surprised with myself on how I didn't stutter.

"Well, we can ask Mrs. Longobard. But I have a feeling she will be ok with it." He said simply. Them he did what I hoped he didn't… he gave me the puppy eyes. His gorgeous orbs grew in size and his long lashes blinked fast. His lower lips began to quiver fakely, but just the fact that he was pouting made my stomach flutter. I tried to hold in a moan, and inhaled sharply. I let out the air I was holding and sighed, nodding to his request of a story plot. James jumped up for joy and cheered.

"Yay thanks Kindle!" he said sweetly, then he did what I hope he wouldn't have done… he grabbed my head in his hands and place a big wet kiss on my cheek. I froze, not able to think or move or even _breathe_ for that matter. I stood there in a trance, hoping to God that this was a dream, because if it was real, I think I might die.

"N—n—n—no—no pr—pr—pro—proble—problem." I said, shaking and stuttering like a complete idiot. Thank God James was too happy with his win over me to notice my cheeks starting to redden exactly where his lips were just a moment ago. I tried to control myself the best I could so we can start the project. But that was a bit hard with him sitting right next to me, and my heart thumping like a madman in my chest. _Why must he do this to me?_

**HOW DID YOU GUISE LIKE IT? LIKE I SAID, IM GOING TO UPLOAD THE NEXT CHAPTER BY MONDAY (TUESDAY THE LATEST... HOPEFULLY) PLEASE REVIEW! THEY MAKE ME SMILE :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**OK, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU HATE MY GUTS RIGHT NOW... IM SO SORRY! I CAN EXPLAIN! BUT RIGHT NOW, JUST ENJOY THIS CHAPTER :D**

Friday came quickly. Too quickly for my liking. Because all week, I had to deal with Carlos and his "are you ok?" speeches. Frankly, I didn't want to deal with them, nor did I want to deal with James. Cause after he left my house, I had beautiful dreams about him. But the said part is, I know they will never come true. So, here I am once again, miserable and lonely.

"Ok class!" my overly happy homeroom rep, Liza, started. "Tonight will be the night of our first ever carnival!" she looked at all of us and clapped wildly. I sighed, Liza is such a sweet girl, she truly is. But she can be a huge pain in the butt at times. "So, it would be great if everyone could come! It will be a blast!" she gave all of us one last cheerful smile and then went to her seat. I felt someone turn to face me, so I looked over to my side and saw it was Logan. Logan was a kid in a few of my classes. He was really nice and great to talk to, but he can be a know it all at times. He is the smartest kid in the class and is just as much of a lady's man as the next guy. So you could say he has the whole package.

"Hey, you going tonight?" he asked me, giving me a warm, suggestive smile.

"Um, I don't know, I have to see what's going on at home first. I can't leave Katie by herself for too long." I said honestly, but the main reason was I knew _he_ was going to be there. Then again, _he_ goes to every school event: the dances, the games, the plays, everything. I can't get rid of _him_ even if I tried.

"Well, I might go, you know, something to do on a Friday night." I nodded as I did agree with him. Maybe I'll see if Carlos is going, so I'm not fully alone. No, I'm not some loner who my only friend is Carlos, but he is my best friend and I'm not as social as everyone thinks.

After homeroom, the day went by slowly, that is, until English. Once I got in, I saw that James was sitting on his desk. Not on his chair, his desk. And boy, did he look sexy today! He was sporting a hockey jersey and skinny jeans, and just the way his body was positioned on the desk made it as if he was glowing. He perfectly tan complexion was radiant and it was overwhelming. Just as I thought it couldn't get any worse, the situation took a nosedive.

"Hey Kendall!" he said with a cheerful smile, waving towards me. He was talking to me! ME! I felt like doing my happy dance, but I knew that would be weird. So I just smiled and waved back.

"Hi." I said calmly, the complete opposite of what my heart was. I went to go sit down next to him, trying my complete best to not freak out.

"So, should we ask Mrs. Longobard about the story?" he asked. Really? Really, you choose now to talk about something that reminds me about my major problem in life? Really? Why do I love you?

"After, I don't want to put her in a bad mood just in case." I said honestly, cause who knows if she is going to accept our story idea?

The unthinkable just happened. Mrs. Longobard accepted our story idea. So now, I have to write a gay love story with the guy I'm in love with. Oh, in case you've forgotten, _I'm gay_! This can _not_ be happening right now. No, this is a sick dream!

I walked home that day alone. I couldn't bother waiting for Carlos cause I know he was going to keep asking me about what was going on. I was also in a very noticeably bad mood since finding out about the English project. Part of me wanted to scream, "Well, if you're so interested in writing about that, do it yourself!" But I know that that would be wrong and not a good thing to do in front of the teacher. So I just bit my tongue and walked away.

Finally getting into my house, I noticed my mom's car wasn't in the driveway. This is the 5th time this week she was been out and never told me. I'm starting to think she wants to leave me cause she can't deal with me anymore. I know she would never want to leave Katie because Katie is perfect. Katie isn't the one who likes girls; Katie isn't the one who wants to die. She is perfect.

I sighed and walked into my room, hearing my phone beep in my backpack. I took out the phone and looked at the caller ID. It was Carlos.

_Hey buddy, just wondering if you wanted to go to the carnival tonight. Heard it was going to be fun, just call me if you want to go._

I smiled at the text. Then I thought to myself, why don't I go? I can have a bunch of fun and hang out with Carlos. Plus, what else would I be doing tonight? So that's how I got here… in the school parking lot… biting my lip until it bled.

Because it was here that I completely regretted coming. I completely regretted agreeing to Carlos saying I could go. Cause it was here that I wanted to run up to James and rip off every ounce of clothing he had on.

Ok, here's what happened…

So we get there, me and Carlos, and we both decided to go to the "pie in the face" booth. So we get there and, just my luck, he was there. But that's not the worse part. _He was working it!_ So Carlos said he wanted to pie James and I agreed. James smiled at me and moved his hands in a "you want some of this" fashion. Internally I was answering "yes, and more" but I couldn't say that out loud.

So after Carlos _tried_ to pie James (missing completely) it was my turn. James stood behind a piece of cardboard and closed his eyes in preparation. I bit my lip and looked at the pie in my hands. I can easily let out all my frustration towards him in this one throw, and he can't suspect anything. So that's what I did, and I hit him square in the face. He got out from behind the board and wiped his face with a smile.

"Nice throw Knight." James said with a smile. I suddenly regretted actually hitting him with the pie, cause right afterwards, he took his shirt off and began to wipe his face. It wasn't actually off, but the bottom of his shirt was raised and I did see his V-line. I gulped loudly, trying to contain every teenage, sex-crazed hormone in my body, but that didn't seem to work well.

"Uh—uh, thanks. I gotta go. Come on Carlos!" I said, pulling Carlos by his arm and dragging him to the bathrooms. He gave me this annoyed look and crossed his arms.

"Dude! What are you doing? The carnival is _out there_!" he said, pointing to the door separating us from the carnival, and most importantly, James.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I asked, trying to play it cool. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Buddy system style? Kendall, we're guys, and overall, we're eighteen. We don't need to do the Buddy system." He argued, but I didn't care. As long as he didn't suspect anything, I'm ok.

"Jeez, cant a guy go to the bathroom with his best friend?" I asked dramatically, joking around with the Latino.

"Whatever dude, I'm heading back. So do you're business and get out. I want to actually do stuff tonight!" he said eagerly, yet determinedly. I sighed, knowing that I couldn't do anything about his decision. When I got back out there, I saw Carlos talking to Logan and I walked over to them, giving them a small wave.

"Hey guys!" Logan greeted us casually. "Kendall, I thought you weren't going to come tonight?"

"Yeah well, Katie went to a friends house and I didn't want to be home alone, so here I am." I explained. Logan nodded understandingly and finished up the conversation he was having with Carlos. Once they were done, Logan went to go hang out with some other guys from school, leaving me and Carlos alone once again. I looked over at James and sighed. _This is going to be one long night, I can tell…_

__**SO YEAH, I WAS WRITING THIS STORY AND I SORTA LOST THE INSPIRATION... BUT THEN WHEN I FINALLY GOT IT BACK, I WAS BOMBARDED WITH 465789087654 THINGS TO DO FOR HOMEWORK! AAAAAAAAAAAND, MY FRIEND SHOWED ME THIS AMAZING BOOK AND I'M ADDICTED, ITS BAD! LIKE, IM IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK! SO I HAVE BEEN READING AND DOING HOMEWORK ALL WEEK! PLUS THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO BE PACKING RIGHT NOW FOR A FAMILY TRIP TO SEE MY COUSINS... SO THATS ALWAYS FUN!**

**SO I DECIDED TO UPLOAD THIS BEFORE I GO AWAY SO NONE OF YOU HATE ME AS MUCH... SO PLEASE REVIEW :) I LOVE ALL OF YOUUU**

**AND ANOTHER THING... TO THE GUEST USER THAT SENT ME A BIT OF HATE... I ****_ESPECIALLY_**** LOVE YOU TOO, CAUSE YOU JUST SHOWED ME HOW MUCH OF A COWARD YOU ARE *SMUG SMILE* *LAUGHS* ;P**


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